Forward/Backward

It’s been a really weird month, and I only have two rolls of film to show for it.

As I mentioned before, working three jobs really wore me down. I’ve been doing it since August, and I love being busy. But combined with all the other things going on in my life, I was really feeling like I was just being dragged around by my neck from one obligation to another. I actually didn’t have a day off for over a month.

This town always drags me down, too. Something had to give at some point.

But, I did quit my job as a manager at a grocery store. I put in my four weeks’ notice at the end of October, and finished up right before Thanksgiving. I really feel a sense of relief, and now I have a much more open schedule to dedicate more time to my other two jobs, particularly my newspaper assignments.

I spent a stupid amount of time being laid up in the middle of the month–I had wisdom tooth surgery, and then I was sick the next week. I don’t normally like stopping my forward momentum, but it was necessary.

I fell very unexpectedly in love towards the beginning of the month. Outside of all the crazy things happening in my life, it’s so nice to have this very, very good thing happening. It makes me excited for the future, even though I’m also terrified of my future right now.

With all the things I’m trying to keep in order, my anxiety’s been resurfacing. I’m facing a lot of old struggles that I thought I was past, and I’m not being very nice to myself. I always take on too much, but I’m trying to do better. It’s just disappointing to feel like I’m moving backward in regard to my personal progress.

My productivity has suffered from my schedule. And when I run back and forth from one mundane thing to another, or lie on my couch for days, there really isn’t a lot of photography happening. Which is why it’s been over month for me to shoot and process just two rolls of film.

I usually prefer not to develop a single roll of film, since I have a tank that can hold two spools of 35mm film. Since it takes long enough to get all the chemistry to the correct temperature, it just makes way more sense for me to do them both at the same time.

I haven’t had any problems at all processing color film. So far I’ve done six rolls with these chemicals, so I’ve already more than gotten my money’s worth out of them.

I was worried about the chemicals this time, because I didn’t use them for a month and have stored them on my enclosed back porch, which isn’t AS cold as being outside, but is still cold enough that we use it as a makeshift refrigerator in the winter.

The developer is looking a little brown, but apart from that, there was no noticeable difference in the quality of the photos.

I’m going to keep using these chemicals until I notice any sort of degradation of the image–partly because I’m cheap, partly because I want to avoid mixing a new batch for as long as possible, and partly because I’m really curious to see how long they can realistically last.

Actually, I love everything about processing film. To me, the hassle is not a hassle at all–it’s a really gratifying process. I understand that digital is convenient and all, but it’s just not the same. It doesn’t have the same heart.

Film is half science, half magic, to me. Right now, my shots are sort of a cobbled-together record of my life, but what I really want to do is shoot purposeful, planned film shots, in which the medium itself is part of the expression.

All I want for Christmas is a bunch of different types of film, maybe some more chemicals. I’d love to lock myself in a darkroom for a week and make good use of my enlargers and the piles of negatives I have from the past five years.

SADLY, life doesn’t let me do the things I want. So for now, enjoy these random shots from the past month or so. The earlier ones were shot on Kodak Ultramax 400, while the later ones are Ultramax 800–nothing exotic, but I still love these films.

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